AndreaUrJoking

February 27, 2011 @ 5.09pm:

Fat people and old people at the gym smell very bad.  I’m not judging.  I’m simply stating a fact and you all know it’s true so shut the hell up.  Also, you know I’m not referring to all fat people and old people… just the special ones.

January 3, 2011 on my morning commute to work:

1. Man with runny nose that was so bad snot was on his lips yet he did nothing to correct this.  2. Man with zipper wide open.  3. Condom on the street.

November 2, 2010 @ 9.46am:

Chucky.

October 21, 2010 @ 9.21am:

Cab drivers could do more to battle the stereotype that they stink.  I had a most repugnant one this morning.  He smelled so bad I am wondering if some of that funk has rubbed off on me and caused me to smell like a hog + B.O. + wet dog+ carcass + some ethnic spices + car interior + rage.

October 5, 2010 @ 10.47am:

Some jerk just floated an air biscuit at work and didn’t own up to it and it stinks to high freaking heaven!  We all fart.  It’s natural.  But it’s not work appropriate.  How well would it be received if I dookied at my desk?  Or vomited, spit a loogey on the floor, blew a snot rocket! That’s also natural.  Next time, friend, don’t be a pig; take it outside.

September 30, 2010 @ 3.55pm:

I am a cinematic buffoon.  I do not understand the “value” of some “cult classics” and I kind of wish I could. Last night I saw Eraserhead and guess what… I didn’t get it.  I don’t get his stupid hair, that mutant spawn, the lady across the hall, the moving cornish hen, etc.  I just don’t get it.  I also do not like that stupid movie that got such great reviews but it was just out of order and messed up to me.  You know the one…

“Royale with cheese”

“Check out the big brain on Brett”

“I love you, Hunny Bunny”

“Correctomundo!”

The $5 milkshake

(and of course)

“Bring out the Gimp” and ”Mr. Soon-To-Be-Living-The-Rest-of-His-Short-Ass-Life-In-Agonizing-Pain Rapist”

September 24, 2010 @ 9.50am:

Stupid people are given two important jobs and I don’t understand why.  If I ever own my own company, I surely will not hire Forrest, Forrest Gump to work in Human Resources or Finance/Accounts Receivable.  Here are two examples…

HR/AR:  My current company is great and I love it here but our health insurance comes out of Kansas City.  No one in NY takes it!  This results in disgusting amounts of out of pocket expenses that only hinder my ability to spend money on shoes and dining out.  When we, as an office, have asked our people in KC about this, they tell us to look at the insurance website for a list of providers.  This list comes out of KC and it’s entirely wrong.  When this is pointed out… And round and round we go.

Finance:  I just got a call from American Express saying I’m past due.  Turns out I’m not.  When I point this out, the woman tells me I’m right.  Hooray?  Nope.  Instead she tells me that since she can’t change the system I will have to send them a payment 3 weeks earlier than I usually do.  When I start yelling at her telling her to get a supervisor on the phone, she says no one is in the office I can speak with.  Really?  I am lucky enough to be chatting with the only Amex employee who is currently working in the entire world?  When she says no… And round and round we go.

My point is this:  When it comes to the health and well-being of people (both physical and financial) why aren’t the best and brightest allowed to work in these departments?  Why are these departments filled with the dregs of the corporate world?

September 22, 2010 @ 9.40am:

Ladies, if your pants are inside of your body they are too tight.  Pants/shorts should not make a sound similar to that of a wine bottle being uncorked when taken off.  No one thinks you look hot.  We just think you have a huge vagina and low self-esteem.