AndreaUrJoking

Hello Sunday Funday!  Watching Top Chef and wondering what I will cook for dinner this evening.  Since the Jets are playing I am thinking of making the color green a central point of our meal.  How about this?

Grilled chicken with whole wheat pasta and a sauce consisting of tomatoes, greens, asparagus, onions, garlic, pine nuts and bleu cheese?  Maybe I can buy some pesto to make the chicken green, too!

We have been eating and drinking hardcore these past couple of days so I am thinking something nice and healthy would be a good idea.  My stomach has grown the size of a pregnant piggo and something has to be done.

1.  My mom’s dog died today, Gracie.  Sad.  Anyone who has lost a pet knows that the loss is very real and very painful.

2.  Fat Girl went to the gym today and yesterday.  That makes two days in a row this year.  Woot woot.

• Just a word on this.  I have lost five pounds in two days.  That is not normal and I make no secret of the fact that it’s definitely not fat that’s been lost.  Instead, it is most definitely a function of Fat Girl not swilling like Chunk from The (damn) Goonies.  If I don’t lose some of this gunt-acular morbidly obeseness I’m going to be doing this dance when I take the stage at the strip club where the fat asses dance on reinforced poles for far inferior tips.

3.  J-E-T-S!  Jets!  Jets!  JETS!

Look, we aren’t bitter or anything.  Jump on board!  But before you do, let’s hear it loud and clear…

Tomorrow, you can find me seated at my local bar on the UWS wearing my lucky Jets shirt and downing food and drink in the name of the Men in Green.  You can also look up at the Empire State Building…

…should you need some inspiration.  As I said, us Jets fans aren’t bitter; no hard feelings.  You didn’t know what we could do against New England.  The last meeting prior to the Playoffs was not exactly inspiring.

Plus, you know you think Rex is funny and you secretly have wanted to root him on all season long!  Silly Rex, with the shit talking and the foot touching and the cursing and the, “Let’s go eat a goddamn snack!”

Check out that video in case you missed it.

You also know that this touchdown catch against the Patriots last week was kind of fucking sweet.  It’s ok.  You can say it.  It was all over the highlight reels.  Blame ESPN if you must.  But deep down, you know you spit out your chicken wing too!

So come on all of you Giants, Eagles, Patriots, Vikings, Red Skins, Raiders, Cowboys, Chiefs, 49ers, Bills, Colts, Seahawks, Falcons, Dolphins, Saints, Lions, Chargers, Bengals, Rams, Panthers, Texans, Browns, Ravens, Titans, Jaguars, Bucs, Cardinals and Broncos fans!  Throw on something green, get ready for the game, and be prepared to watch New York celebrate their win!

“We always walk tall… We’re Jets!”

And as my brother, the journalist, so eloquently put it… FUCK BRADY!

YEAH MAN!

And to all of you Stilwell Angels out there who think we don’t have what it takes…

Yeah man, Saturday night it’s on!  J-E-T-S! Jets! Jets! Jets!

Since the Giants are out of the playoffs I think it’s only fair that all of their fans give us their support for the remainder of the season.  I think we can safely say that no one wants the Eagles or the Patriots to win the Superbowl.  A hearty and robust THANK YOU to all of the Giants fans who are now transferring their good thoughts to the Jets.

Now, if I may, let’s switch gears briefly and discuss one more wonderful moment in the life of Andrea.  Specifically, let’s talk about yet another commute that had me questioning whether I actually wear a sign that only the wretched and despondent can see which reads…

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.”

…because whenever anyone sits beside me on the subway, this person is a filthy, loud, fat, obnoxious mess!  I am like the Statue of Freaking Liberty and the seat next to me is like Ellis Island but not the glorious Ellis Island that we are proud of.  Oh no.  My personal Ellis Island really is more akin to the door to the asylum – you know, the door you enter before you are made to strip naked, shower, and receive medication.

Today I was on the train as I always am (Note to self:  Hire a driver when financially possible) and no one was next to me because The Blob was two seats away and there was no room beside me.  But, as usually happens, some turd decides to challenge the laws of the universe and squeezes her ass into the crevice between us.  Not only does her one ass cheek land on my leg (Note to self:  Bleach pants and leg when I get home) but she is all loud and obnoxious about not being able to fit.

THEN STAND, BITCH.

Anyway, she decides to stay put and talk with her friend (who, by the way, looks like Grimace  from the old McDonalds commercial) about… Jesus Christ.  

That is right, folks.  I have The Blob to my extreme left, a loud-mouthed Jesus freak to my immediate left and Grimace directly across from me.  The greatest morning of my life, it was not.

However, what does not kill us makes me stronger, yes?  So, since I’m an eternal optimistic, hopeless romantic, and supreme motivator I will not concentrate on those fucktards who ruined my commute since that is my doom, I mean my fate.

Instead, I will leave you with a humble plea to ask the Lord on high to please please please let the Jets win on Saturday and let the winning not stop until we have played an hour in Dallas and the season comes to an end.  Amen.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/03/nyregion/03garbage.html?_r=1&src=twt&twt=nytimes

Yeah man, it’s scary yet true.  Not only did City Hall fail us when it came to snow removal and getting the city cleaned up and safe, but now it’s failing us again because they don’t have enough people to pick up the trash.  It must be nice to be King, err Mayor, and not have to answer to anyone these days.

One day, I will live in my Ivory Tower and watch as the worker bees that are the life blood of my city scamper about in the snow and the garbage and laugh a Queen’s, dammit, I mean a Mayor’s laugh – HARDY HAR HAR.  I’ll then make it alright for my city agencies to rape them financially while, at the same time, take away needed resources and increase taxes.

Happy New Year.

PS:  GO JETS!  You can doooo it!