AndreaUrJoking

Oh New York City, how you fool me into loving you and then present me with “men” in ear muffs!

And “men” with jewelry on their shoesies.

And “men” who get their nails done and don’t wear socks and who have fancier computer bags than most women have regular purses and whose scarfs are the color of the onesies I recently bought my 4 month old niece.

New York City – you are so amazing.  You are the center of the world but have an uncanny ability to take the spine out of men and insert cooked pasta in its place.  You make people feel bad because they can’t afford designer toilet paper but lead people to believe that Kenneth Cole Reaction is couture.  You bleed people financially but have high earners living as freegans because it’s the trendy thing to do.  Meanwhile those same people detest the homeless and do nothing to help them, not even donate their used clothing.  You have women that are so independent that men think it’s ok to “forget” to open doors or pull out chairs.

It is such a joke.

Here’s a secret.  You don’t have to be all that talented or bold to live and work in this city.  There is no trick or work ethic that paves the way.  You just have to delude yourself into thinking that there is something special here, something that makes all of the dirt and coldness and impersonal relationships worthwhile.  I’m so sick of being here it’s laughable but the catch 22 is where else would I go that wouldn’t bore me to tears?  New York City, I hate you!

#GetMeOutOfNYC

Sorry about being so quiet lately but… SHOCKER… I am loving the new job and I’ve been super busy and tired due to working normal hours like a productive member of society.  Something else SHOCKING… I’m dating someone who is age appropriate and I’m finding him to be exceptionally enjoyable.  He’s smart, too… SHOCKING!  I’d also like to add that I don’t think the Rapture will be coming at 6pm EST but if it does I will be… SHOCKED.

Some more things that will SHOCK you…

I’ve not been working out at all lately.

I’m having elbow pasta with clam sauce and coffee for breakfast.

Today’s chores:  Clean the apartment, do laundry, go to Loehmann’s, get the bestie birthday goodies, hit up West Elm, go to Bed Bath & Beyond, get paper towels, check out the Farmer’s Market, and sort then donate clothing at the Good Will.

I’m not a candidate for VelaShape… I’m just lumpy.

I was asleep by 10.30pm last night.

I’ve not yet been to a baseball game but I’m going to change that ASAP.

There is formaldehyde in that Brazilian Keratin Hair Straightening stuff – you have to request the formula that is formaldehyde free.

I spent like $600 on  bras and undies last weekend because my ladies are a different size that I thought they were.

I suck balls at Words With Friends but I don’t care – I’m addicted.

The Rapture… if it happens.

A brief word on the Rapture, if I may.  WHAT THE HELL?  In all honesty, I don’t think that evolution properly weeded out those people who are Pro-Life and those who think that the Rapture will ACTUALLY happen today.  I read somewhere on this crazy interweb that it’s supposed to begin in New Zealand at 6pm local time and move westward until all of the believers have flown into Heaven and the rest of us are left on Earth to party it up till we are sucked into the bowels of Hell.  All that tells me is that some people will be drinking the Kool-Aid and there will be mass suicides reported on the news around 11pm this evening.

I admit I’m not the most religious girl out there.  I also admit that I don’t know or care to learn all of the beliefs these zealots hold dear because, frankly, I’m scared.  And sure, calling them fanatics and zealots and retards isn’t very nice but I don’t know what else to do.  I can’t ignore them – that asshole spent $140,000 to stick posters advertising the most holy event in my beloved subways throughout New York City.  I ask you, Robert Fitzpatrick – ex-MTA employee  (this would explain a lot) – don’t you think the clear and present smell of human shit in the subway is scarier than the fake Rapture?  Maybe you should have donated your meager life savings to fumigating your favorite subway station.  That most certainly would have been a most righteous thing to do.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/03/nyregion/03garbage.html?_r=1&src=twt&twt=nytimes

Yeah man, it’s scary yet true.  Not only did City Hall fail us when it came to snow removal and getting the city cleaned up and safe, but now it’s failing us again because they don’t have enough people to pick up the trash.  It must be nice to be King, err Mayor, and not have to answer to anyone these days.

One day, I will live in my Ivory Tower and watch as the worker bees that are the life blood of my city scamper about in the snow and the garbage and laugh a Queen’s, dammit, I mean a Mayor’s laugh – HARDY HAR HAR.  I’ll then make it alright for my city agencies to rape them financially while, at the same time, take away needed resources and increase taxes.

Happy New Year.

PS:  GO JETS!  You can doooo it!

By this time, you know me… I hate to speak ill of the retarded.  Ugh, so here goes nothing.

If you haven’t seen the terror that was the Holiday Storm 2010 in the Northeast, here is a great link that shows how very voluminous the storm was.

December 2010 Blizzard Timelapse from Michael Black on Vimeo.

Scary shit, right?  Now imagine that you live and work in New York City – the greatest city in the entire world, the city with the best Police and Fire Departments on the planet and you wake up to 20+ inches of snow on the ground and the streets are ENTIRELY UNPLOWED.  Apparently, when they named the NYC DOS “New York’s Strongest” Mayor Bloomberg wasn’t in on the deal because his team of tard farts did nothing except make the DOS look like those chimps at the zoo who smear feces on the windows.  What a moron!  What an idiot!

To give you an example of a pretty damn important area of town that is still an unplowed nightmare, I was on Varick yesterday (you know, that little street downtown that takes you into the Financial District OR through the Holland Tunnel into NJ) and there was still snow on the road that was over a foot deep.  Now, I may not be a civil engineer but I know that shit was completely un-frickin-safe!

Mr. Mayor, since your net worth is over a gazillion dollaz, do you think maybe you could loan the city a few million to buy some salt and put a few more plows on the damn streets?  Also, if you could make the steps going into the subway stations a little less life threatening that would also be a great improvement.  I’d hate to have to die due to complications due to post blizzard hazzards due to the mayor’s office being full of bipedal insanity due to the syphilis that has apparently run rampant at City Hall!!!

Furthermore, if you are such a friggin’ financial genius, riddle me this…  Can you figure out a way to stop the pricks at the MTA from raising the fares every few months, stop closing firehouses, stop cutting important city jobs, create real jobs and remove the fucking tax on clothing?  I think $105 is a little steep for a monthly Metrocard considering that they smell like piss and don’t run on time AND there are fewer subway lines to choose from so they are more congested, don’t you Mr. Mayor?