AndreaUrJoking

Sorry about being so quiet lately but… SHOCKER… I am loving the new job and I’ve been super busy and tired due to working normal hours like a productive member of society.  Something else SHOCKING… I’m dating someone who is age appropriate and I’m finding him to be exceptionally enjoyable.  He’s smart, too… SHOCKING!  I’d also like to add that I don’t think the Rapture will be coming at 6pm EST but if it does I will be… SHOCKED.

Some more things that will SHOCK you…

I’ve not been working out at all lately.

I’m having elbow pasta with clam sauce and coffee for breakfast.

Today’s chores:  Clean the apartment, do laundry, go to Loehmann’s, get the bestie birthday goodies, hit up West Elm, go to Bed Bath & Beyond, get paper towels, check out the Farmer’s Market, and sort then donate clothing at the Good Will.

I’m not a candidate for VelaShape… I’m just lumpy.

I was asleep by 10.30pm last night.

I’ve not yet been to a baseball game but I’m going to change that ASAP.

There is formaldehyde in that Brazilian Keratin Hair Straightening stuff – you have to request the formula that is formaldehyde free.

I spent like $600 on  bras and undies last weekend because my ladies are a different size that I thought they were.

I suck balls at Words With Friends but I don’t care – I’m addicted.

The Rapture… if it happens.

A brief word on the Rapture, if I may.  WHAT THE HELL?  In all honesty, I don’t think that evolution properly weeded out those people who are Pro-Life and those who think that the Rapture will ACTUALLY happen today.  I read somewhere on this crazy interweb that it’s supposed to begin in New Zealand at 6pm local time and move westward until all of the believers have flown into Heaven and the rest of us are left on Earth to party it up till we are sucked into the bowels of Hell.  All that tells me is that some people will be drinking the Kool-Aid and there will be mass suicides reported on the news around 11pm this evening.

I admit I’m not the most religious girl out there.  I also admit that I don’t know or care to learn all of the beliefs these zealots hold dear because, frankly, I’m scared.  And sure, calling them fanatics and zealots and retards isn’t very nice but I don’t know what else to do.  I can’t ignore them – that asshole spent $140,000 to stick posters advertising the most holy event in my beloved subways throughout New York City.  I ask you, Robert Fitzpatrick – ex-MTA employee  (this would explain a lot) – don’t you think the clear and present smell of human shit in the subway is scarier than the fake Rapture?  Maybe you should have donated your meager life savings to fumigating your favorite subway station.  That most certainly would have been a most righteous thing to do.

Yeah man, Saturday night it’s on!  J-E-T-S! Jets! Jets! Jets!

Since the Giants are out of the playoffs I think it’s only fair that all of their fans give us their support for the remainder of the season.  I think we can safely say that no one wants the Eagles or the Patriots to win the Superbowl.  A hearty and robust THANK YOU to all of the Giants fans who are now transferring their good thoughts to the Jets.

Now, if I may, let’s switch gears briefly and discuss one more wonderful moment in the life of Andrea.  Specifically, let’s talk about yet another commute that had me questioning whether I actually wear a sign that only the wretched and despondent can see which reads…

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.”

…because whenever anyone sits beside me on the subway, this person is a filthy, loud, fat, obnoxious mess!  I am like the Statue of Freaking Liberty and the seat next to me is like Ellis Island but not the glorious Ellis Island that we are proud of.  Oh no.  My personal Ellis Island really is more akin to the door to the asylum – you know, the door you enter before you are made to strip naked, shower, and receive medication.

Today I was on the train as I always am (Note to self:  Hire a driver when financially possible) and no one was next to me because The Blob was two seats away and there was no room beside me.  But, as usually happens, some turd decides to challenge the laws of the universe and squeezes her ass into the crevice between us.  Not only does her one ass cheek land on my leg (Note to self:  Bleach pants and leg when I get home) but she is all loud and obnoxious about not being able to fit.

THEN STAND, BITCH.

Anyway, she decides to stay put and talk with her friend (who, by the way, looks like Grimace  from the old McDonalds commercial) about… Jesus Christ.  

That is right, folks.  I have The Blob to my extreme left, a loud-mouthed Jesus freak to my immediate left and Grimace directly across from me.  The greatest morning of my life, it was not.

However, what does not kill us makes me stronger, yes?  So, since I’m an eternal optimistic, hopeless romantic, and supreme motivator I will not concentrate on those fucktards who ruined my commute since that is my doom, I mean my fate.

Instead, I will leave you with a humble plea to ask the Lord on high to please please please let the Jets win on Saturday and let the winning not stop until we have played an hour in Dallas and the season comes to an end.  Amen.

Really?  The NY MTA is a bunch of crack smoking scumbags!  They are raising the single rides to $2.50 and the monthly unlimited cards to $104.  Earlier today my BFF gave me this quote…

“The pricing regime places the biggest burden of the increases on the system’s most frequent riders, the third of straphangers who use 30-day passes.  Transit officials said this action was fair, because that group also tends to be more affluent than other riders, according to the authority’s survey data.” (http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/07/m-t-a-meets-to-increase-transit-fares/?partner=rss&emc=rss)

She also pointed out that by “affluent” they must mean “people with jobs” since we are the only ones who need monthly Metrocards and she is absolutely right!  Drug dealers have Escalades; their clients don’t need to be mobile since the drugs are delivered to them; only us regular working stiffs need to get to and fro economically, so we are the ones who get to shoulder the burden!?  The subways and buses are filthy!  The service sucks big hairy ones!  There is never any MTA employee who is helpful or polite!  This is insulting and insane!

I know that public transit is, in many ways, the life blood of NYC but I think the MTA has really gone above and beyond with this fare hike.  The life blood is now infected with every communicable disease imaginable, especially the viruses.

Why is one of the most important parts of NYC run by a bunch of retards?  They have raised the fare so many times in the last few years it’s crazy while cutting service and hiring the foulest shit bags to work for them.  Oh!  And don’t even get me started on the benefits that the MTA employees get.  If you ask me, we wouldn’t need a fare hike if each time one of those illiterate morons got snippy with one of us “affluent riders” they had to put a dollar into a jar.

I’m so pissed off!

I know great people and I think we should be immortalized by Martin Scorsese in a cinematic piece. Tell me why you should be part of the docu-drama or movie about me/us and I will consider it. Also, let me know who should portray you.

In other news, coming home and taking a shower… boy oh boy! Top that off with some food and some Jeff Lewis on Bravo and now we’re cookin’ with gas.

Finally, I was ogled by a guy who works for the MTA on my way home. Not to be an asshole or overly harsh BUT why would I ever date a guy who works for the MTA? It has nothing to do with his position within the company. For all I know he does it for sport and is a restaurateur and a pilot. My objection has to do with the MTA. Never will I ever date someone who works for such an organization. I’d rather share a bed with the head salesperson at Philip Morris! He has more integrity than the MTA and its minions, restaurants and pilot license or not.

Post Script:  I have a hole in my favorite underpants!