AndreaUrJoking

Holy Lord in Heaven, I just got back from my first class at Pure Yoga, UWS.  I haven’t ever taken yoga at a studio so starting with a Hot Power Yoga class may not have been advisable.  I thought I could hold my own since I spin like once a week… whatever.

Well, not only did I realize how much flubber I have on these bones but I also got stuck next to this Asian Dynamo in class.  Not only was she pretty and rocking some sweet lululemon pants but the bitch did everything including, I think, levitate for a moment.

To make matters worse I was out of position for a pose so the instructor came over and repositioned me… with his foot.  Then I lost feeling in my right shoulder. Oww and Eeewwwwww!

That being said I will be joining this elite torture chamber (I say that with love) tomorrow morning.  I’m slated for a class at 8am – same one, Hot Power Yoga.   Glutton for punishment much?

In other news, I bought another 10 pack of Soul Cycle classes to keep my cardio up.  I love it there and I figure there is nothing better to do with my time these days besides volunteer, interview and get in shape.

Finally, let me wish you a very Happy New Year.  I hope it is the best yet.  2011 was sort of trying for me but there were a lot of ups too.  Although I had to say goodbye to someone recently, over the summer I was able to say hello to someone really special; even though I’m not working, I didn’t really like that job anyway so I am able to savor my time off; in a city where life is always GOOOOOOOO, I have been able to find places and time to breathe.  I was honored to welcome a new baby girl into the world… not mine, but loved just as much.  I’m also leaving this year with the same close friends I started it with and I’m always grateful for them.

The Jets still let me down, though.  But check out these seats from the Jets-Giants game last week.

1.  My mom’s dog died today, Gracie.  Sad.  Anyone who has lost a pet knows that the loss is very real and very painful.

2.  Fat Girl went to the gym today and yesterday.  That makes two days in a row this year.  Woot woot.

• Just a word on this.  I have lost five pounds in two days.  That is not normal and I make no secret of the fact that it’s definitely not fat that’s been lost.  Instead, it is most definitely a function of Fat Girl not swilling like Chunk from The (damn) Goonies.  If I don’t lose some of this gunt-acular morbidly obeseness I’m going to be doing this dance when I take the stage at the strip club where the fat asses dance on reinforced poles for far inferior tips.

3.  J-E-T-S!  Jets!  Jets!  JETS!

Look, we aren’t bitter or anything.  Jump on board!  But before you do, let’s hear it loud and clear…

Tomorrow, you can find me seated at my local bar on the UWS wearing my lucky Jets shirt and downing food and drink in the name of the Men in Green.  You can also look up at the Empire State Building…

…should you need some inspiration.  As I said, us Jets fans aren’t bitter; no hard feelings.  You didn’t know what we could do against New England.  The last meeting prior to the Playoffs was not exactly inspiring.

Plus, you know you think Rex is funny and you secretly have wanted to root him on all season long!  Silly Rex, with the shit talking and the foot touching and the cursing and the, “Let’s go eat a goddamn snack!”

Check out that video in case you missed it.

You also know that this touchdown catch against the Patriots last week was kind of fucking sweet.  It’s ok.  You can say it.  It was all over the highlight reels.  Blame ESPN if you must.  But deep down, you know you spit out your chicken wing too!

So come on all of you Giants, Eagles, Patriots, Vikings, Red Skins, Raiders, Cowboys, Chiefs, 49ers, Bills, Colts, Seahawks, Falcons, Dolphins, Saints, Lions, Chargers, Bengals, Rams, Panthers, Texans, Browns, Ravens, Titans, Jaguars, Bucs, Cardinals and Broncos fans!  Throw on something green, get ready for the game, and be prepared to watch New York celebrate their win!

“We always walk tall… We’re Jets!”

Yeah man!  I wore Uggs to my interviews and it was fine but I felt like a fat schleppy monster.  It was pouring today, freezing slush everywhere.  For real, NYC weather needs to change.  I want the summer.

So check this out – I was heading home after my last meeting and what do I see but a woman whose head was gushing blood.  I don’t know if she fell or what but the fucking female cops were barely involved in the filing the report.  I mean, clearly someone had alerted the cops that someone was in distress but these fat bitches saunter over like they are doing their retarded uncle a favor!  This poor woman’s brains could have just been beaten out and these “cops” acted like they were too busy.

Sure, I am a jaded New Yorker and in all sincerity the woman could have been a crack head who slipped on the icy steps.  However… SHE WAS GUSHING BLOOD!  Does that not up the ante?  If not to protect the masses from walking in her blood, doesn’t GUSHING BLOOD mean that this is a situation of mild importance?

Now I am going to say something that is going to horrify some people but this is my mofo blog and I will say what I want.  Plus, the First (damn) Amendment was written specifically for me in this instance so sit down, take a breath, put down your beverage and…

NEW YORK CITY NEEDS TO STOP HIRING GED-TOTING RACISTS WHO SPEAK BROKEN ENGLISH into the vacant public service positions!!!

Let me clarify…  The cop, the female, said something so appalling that an Asian like me got my knickers in a knot.  As I passed them and looked at the woman on the ground with a bodega napkin to her bloody fucking forehead like “OMFG, the blood!” one of the officers said to the other, “Stupid white bitch be bleeding”.  Really?  Yes!  REALLY?  YES, REALLY!

In other news, BRING IT ON, BIG BEN!  We beat you once, we will beat your ass again!  Woot woot!  Go JETS!

One more thing…  I  hate peas.  I discriminate against peas!  They are disgusting.

And as my brother, the journalist, so eloquently put it… FUCK BRADY!

YEAH MAN!

And to all of you Stilwell Angels out there who think we don’t have what it takes…

Yeah man, Saturday night it’s on!  J-E-T-S! Jets! Jets! Jets!

Since the Giants are out of the playoffs I think it’s only fair that all of their fans give us their support for the remainder of the season.  I think we can safely say that no one wants the Eagles or the Patriots to win the Superbowl.  A hearty and robust THANK YOU to all of the Giants fans who are now transferring their good thoughts to the Jets.

Now, if I may, let’s switch gears briefly and discuss one more wonderful moment in the life of Andrea.  Specifically, let’s talk about yet another commute that had me questioning whether I actually wear a sign that only the wretched and despondent can see which reads…

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.”

…because whenever anyone sits beside me on the subway, this person is a filthy, loud, fat, obnoxious mess!  I am like the Statue of Freaking Liberty and the seat next to me is like Ellis Island but not the glorious Ellis Island that we are proud of.  Oh no.  My personal Ellis Island really is more akin to the door to the asylum – you know, the door you enter before you are made to strip naked, shower, and receive medication.

Today I was on the train as I always am (Note to self:  Hire a driver when financially possible) and no one was next to me because The Blob was two seats away and there was no room beside me.  But, as usually happens, some turd decides to challenge the laws of the universe and squeezes her ass into the crevice between us.  Not only does her one ass cheek land on my leg (Note to self:  Bleach pants and leg when I get home) but she is all loud and obnoxious about not being able to fit.

THEN STAND, BITCH.

Anyway, she decides to stay put and talk with her friend (who, by the way, looks like Grimace  from the old McDonalds commercial) about… Jesus Christ.  

That is right, folks.  I have The Blob to my extreme left, a loud-mouthed Jesus freak to my immediate left and Grimace directly across from me.  The greatest morning of my life, it was not.

However, what does not kill us makes me stronger, yes?  So, since I’m an eternal optimistic, hopeless romantic, and supreme motivator I will not concentrate on those fucktards who ruined my commute since that is my doom, I mean my fate.

Instead, I will leave you with a humble plea to ask the Lord on high to please please please let the Jets win on Saturday and let the winning not stop until we have played an hour in Dallas and the season comes to an end.  Amen.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/03/nyregion/03garbage.html?_r=1&src=twt&twt=nytimes

Yeah man, it’s scary yet true.  Not only did City Hall fail us when it came to snow removal and getting the city cleaned up and safe, but now it’s failing us again because they don’t have enough people to pick up the trash.  It must be nice to be King, err Mayor, and not have to answer to anyone these days.

One day, I will live in my Ivory Tower and watch as the worker bees that are the life blood of my city scamper about in the snow and the garbage and laugh a Queen’s, dammit, I mean a Mayor’s laugh – HARDY HAR HAR.  I’ll then make it alright for my city agencies to rape them financially while, at the same time, take away needed resources and increase taxes.

Happy New Year.

PS:  GO JETS!  You can doooo it!