AndreaUrJoking

Sorry about being so quiet lately but… SHOCKER… I am loving the new job and I’ve been super busy and tired due to working normal hours like a productive member of society.  Something else SHOCKING… I’m dating someone who is age appropriate and I’m finding him to be exceptionally enjoyable.  He’s smart, too… SHOCKING!  I’d also like to add that I don’t think the Rapture will be coming at 6pm EST but if it does I will be… SHOCKED.

Some more things that will SHOCK you…

I’ve not been working out at all lately.

I’m having elbow pasta with clam sauce and coffee for breakfast.

Today’s chores:  Clean the apartment, do laundry, go to Loehmann’s, get the bestie birthday goodies, hit up West Elm, go to Bed Bath & Beyond, get paper towels, check out the Farmer’s Market, and sort then donate clothing at the Good Will.

I’m not a candidate for VelaShape… I’m just lumpy.

I was asleep by 10.30pm last night.

I’ve not yet been to a baseball game but I’m going to change that ASAP.

There is formaldehyde in that Brazilian Keratin Hair Straightening stuff – you have to request the formula that is formaldehyde free.

I spent like $600 on  bras and undies last weekend because my ladies are a different size that I thought they were.

I suck balls at Words With Friends but I don’t care – I’m addicted.

The Rapture… if it happens.

A brief word on the Rapture, if I may.  WHAT THE HELL?  In all honesty, I don’t think that evolution properly weeded out those people who are Pro-Life and those who think that the Rapture will ACTUALLY happen today.  I read somewhere on this crazy interweb that it’s supposed to begin in New Zealand at 6pm local time and move westward until all of the believers have flown into Heaven and the rest of us are left on Earth to party it up till we are sucked into the bowels of Hell.  All that tells me is that some people will be drinking the Kool-Aid and there will be mass suicides reported on the news around 11pm this evening.

I admit I’m not the most religious girl out there.  I also admit that I don’t know or care to learn all of the beliefs these zealots hold dear because, frankly, I’m scared.  And sure, calling them fanatics and zealots and retards isn’t very nice but I don’t know what else to do.  I can’t ignore them – that asshole spent $140,000 to stick posters advertising the most holy event in my beloved subways throughout New York City.  I ask you, Robert Fitzpatrick – ex-MTA employee  (this would explain a lot) – don’t you think the clear and present smell of human shit in the subway is scarier than the fake Rapture?  Maybe you should have donated your meager life savings to fumigating your favorite subway station.  That most certainly would have been a most righteous thing to do.

Riddle me this…

What do you get after a couple glasses of wine, some tequila, some baseball, a walk home, a cig on the street and a walk up to your friend’s apartment but before a visit to your local where you scream the wrong names at people, scare the patrons, watch your friend bust up in between two people and start to crack up and leave promptly?

You get to see two of your friends throw cooked apples at each other while smacking one another’s tushies (really hard!) as one yells, “You dirty bitch,” and the other runs into her bathroom while screaming, “Shut the fuck up”.  (I was photographing this event and no, I will not be posting the pics online.)

Then when each of the parties wakes up today, it takes all three of our heads to piece together the previous evening’s events (think “The Hangover”).  Never mind that each participant feels as though she face planted and one of the three has hurtin’ buns from losing the “You Dirty Bitch” game.

FYI:  I tried to find a funny picture for this entry BUT Googling “dirty bitch” just gives me a lot of porn images so you will have use your imagination.  Or settle for this picture of apples as these are quite similar to the one that got chucked around the apartment last night.