AndreaUrJoking

Oh Christian Louboutin, how I love thee.  Your red soles match the color of my soul perfectly and make my heart shine with love and adoration.  The way your shoes fit my feet and make me five inches taller, how they elongate my legs and make my yoga pants look like runway attire is simply astounding.  I only wish New York weren’t so cold right now – if there wasn’t snow on the ground I’d parade around town in these wonderful shoes and show them off to everyone.  Damn you, arctic New York.

And to you, sweet sweet Bergdorf!  How welcoming you were to me and my American Express card.  How you took us in and made us feel at home on the second floor where you also house Jimmy Choo and Manolo Blahnik, Christian Dior and Escada.  I will never forget you.  Although I may not be back for some time, I will cherish walking on your cream carpet with my red soles and looking into your full length mirrors, admiring how my sweatshirt glowed in the sweet light of your love.

Yeah I’m gonna bust out my inner Snoop and kick American Express in the bizzalls.  They are truly a bunch of freaks who have gone “full retard”.

Freaks are bad in general but FULL RETARD freaks are the worst of the worst.  They are like the crazy homeless people who smell like poo and walk around talking to themselves about the kids they molested in the Port-A-John back in 2002.  What?  Yeah!  I said it.

Anyway, back to American Express.  They are scumbags.  I always liked them; we were buddies.  However, once your buddy tries to make you suck on a crusty ball and then threatens to steal your teeth, that friendship ends and enemies we become!

The long and short of it is this:  I paid them $1700 in September 2010 (yeah, just this month) and my card got cancelled!  What?  Yeah!  Top that off with this tidbit crumb of information… I WAS NOT IN DEFAULT!

“Suck on that crusty nut, Andrea.”

“Thank you, sir, I’d rather not.”

“Oh but you must or I’m going to take you teeth.”

[Camera pans up to me donning my traditional Korean Jewish Ninja frock from days of yore when my people ran the Earth (just go with it) and some Ray Bans and Louboutins.  As the camera pans down to take in the hottest shoes evah, evah, evah with the signature red soles you see me step back and deliver the most blood curdling kick to the bizzalls of Mr. American Express that has ever been seen on the planet Earth or any other planet where kicks to the bizzalls = worst thing to do to Mr. American Express.]

Ok, fine.  So Mr. American Express is not real but the financial institution is so while I can’t kick anyone in his bizzalls I can share my experience with them with you.  In a world where blogging and Social Media are the pack leaders on the Internet, I think this virtual kick in the bizzalls is gratifying and I hope, truly truly hope, that they read this and go limp.  Forever.  Forever limp.