AndreaUrJoking

I have been blue lately.  I have been really fucking upset and sad and I can’t shake it.  I’ve also been extremely stressed and pissed off and confused and all of that shittiness that comes with life sometimes.  Thank God for my friends and for their patience.  I have been a bit much lately and they rock!

Today, I cried in yoga!  I actually cried at the end of class like a fucking dick but, thankfully, I could blame it on the sweat.  Then I took a Soul Cycle class and something hit me… When you feel like crap that’s been stepped on and tracked down Fifth Avenue and then run over by a cab, get some sweat in your eyes!  Work it out, push your body, forget your shit and give it up to the yoga or spin class for however long you are there and it will make things better.

I’m SOOO not a work out freak.  I’m eating cheese and crackers and a hot dog right now.  But I swear it worked.  That’s my new motto!

“Get some sweat in your eyes”, says the Korean Jewish Ninja.

Also, look at this shit!  I did these poses today.  Looks like anger and confusion *can* manifest into positive energy when channeled properly.  So kiss my arse, you nay sayers… I did crow and side crow and it came from sheer anger.

Ok men, Valentine’s Day is today and you know you’re going to have to do something… even if you have decided as a couple that it’s a stupid holiday that was concocted solely for the Hallmark Corporation.  Trust me, she wants you to do something, however small.  Ignoring things entirely is not an option.  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Here’s the thing about V-Day. It’s an occasion where you can do things at your own pace, so long as you do something.  Know that dinner, a card, candy, and the like are all great but it doesn’t have be that cookie-cutter.  Just do something special that she will appreciate – like clean her apartment or pay her rent.  I kid, I kid.

In all sincerity, though, doing something special for your lady will only be well received so go ahead and put your best foot forward.  Be mindful, though, that your gift will be judged by her and her friends so don’t go doing something crazy like getting her a ring if you aren’t ready for what a gift like that may mean in her head. “This is super serious and marriage is on the horizon.”  Not that she would definitely think that, but I swear one of her friends will and then she will start wondering.  Also, don’t give her a gag card if you and she have something very special.  She may think you are more casual than you are and again, one of her friends…

So what are some very nice but not overly cheesy gift ideas?  Maybe a bottle of dessert wine and some cupcakes would be fun.  You don’t have to invest a great deal of dinero and it’s still a very sweet gesture.  “I know we said we weren’t going to celebrate but I thought this would be nice just because it’s Tuesday.”  If you belong to the same gym or yoga studio, maybe you can schedule a private session with you and your girl.  My yoga studio offers private hot yoga classes and that could be fun to do together. Give her the voucher on Valentine’s Day and call it an evening.  Maybe you cook dinner at your place and do all of the dishes.

Whatever you do should fun be for the two of you and it will be special as long as you’re together. Just do something.  Women like to be taken care of and pampered but it’s hard in this world. Everyone works, everyone could have more money and time, everyone has responsibilities.  But make sure to take a moment to show her you care and go a little out of your way for her.  She’s worth it.

Twitter @andrea_urjoking,
www.andreaurjoking.com

Dating in this damn town is impossible, especially when you hear that people who absolutely hate either other are getting married.  Maybe I should stop looking for someone I love and just start looking for someone I can tolerate enough to NOT kill since it seems like those are the relationships that are making it to “the engagement stage”.

I don’t care if I sound extra bitter today.  I woke up early for no reason and logged onto Facebook and I see that another couple who, for all intents and purposes, should NOT be engaged is actively planning their wedding.  Take it from me… Getting married doesn’t mean FOREVER.

I can’t wait to report that these dullards are pregnant.

Raise your glasses to broken families, especially those with small children… CHEERS!

I just finished watching a British documentary entitled “A Complete History of My Sexual Failures”.  It was made in 2008 and stars Chris Waitt; he is also the director.  Per IMDB.com, “Independent filmmaker Chris Waitt attempts to interview his ex-girlfriends to find out why they dumped him.”  It was funny and self-deprecating and sad and hopeful but it got me thinking…

What would my exes say about me?

Granted, I was sort of in a long relationship while most people my age were dating but still.  Then that thought (the one about my exes and their comments about me) made me remember the pivotal scene in “High Fidelity” when Bruce says to John Cusack’s character that thing about “the all time top five”…

So because I’ve been in the apartment all day except for 90 minutes while I got a manicure and a massage, I’m going to see if I can guess what my “all time top five” might say about me.  Here goes nothing.  (PS:  I will give you a cookie if you can identify each one since they are not listed in order.)

1.  We could have gotten married… for legal reasons and because I loved you.

2.  I loved you, I really loved you like that but we were so young.

3.  Of course I trusted you; I just didn’t want you in my apartment.

4.  You were the most beautiful girl in the room but one day your sharp tongue will cut your throat.

5.  ????????

Still waiting on Number 5.  Also, just in case you are curious, Number 3 wasn’t a love of my life -- he just would actually say something that retarded so I had to throw it in for sport.

I feel inclined to state for the record that I’m not alluding to anything pertaining to sexual failures or victories with this blog.  That was simply the title of the documentary that got me thinking.  I also blogged earlier today and used Bruce’s “Radio Nowhere” so he is top of mind, though I’m not sure why.  I love him today like I do all days but nothing specific brought him to the forefront of my mind.

I’d also like to add that I’m paraphrasing the above comments, although they are pretty damn accurate if I do say so myself.  Clearly there is more to be said but I thought that it’d be best to summarize the sentiments rather than go into detail and get sued by someone -- not that any of these men are money hungry.  Just being cautious since we live in a litigious world (it means prone to sue).

It’s not like I’m bragging or anything; in fact, I feel absurd admitting it but I cannot help myself…  I guess everyone has someone who can be considered his or her Achilles heel and mine is a gorgeous guy who has a great job, super sense of humor, comes from a good family, is college educated and is childless but wants kids someday.  What’s a girl to do?

Advice please.

The good part of this is that he’s not a mean person and I don’t think he knows how I feel.  I mean, if he did and he ignored it he’d be a superior prick… Prick of the Year, actually.

The funny part is that my BFF insists he is an idiot and I think that’s more a function of her disliking his very presence on the planet than anything else.  (She’s protective of me; it’s not personal.)  He’s not a dumb guy by any stretch and today she cracked me up because she really thinks an amoeba will outsmart him if given the opportunity.  I disagree intensely but maybe that’s because I only see hearts when I look in his general direction.

*sigh*

Now, granted very few of you out there know me and my people… But for those of you who do here’s a little treaty treat treat for you.  Let’s call it “The Monday Special”, shall we?

BFF suggests that if Achilles heel and another ex of mine (think hard and you will know which one) got into an intellectual brawl – sans the overt rage – that the ex would win.  I then challenged her and threw her ex into the fracas and asked who would triumph under those circumstances.  The mental picture is astounding and cracks me the hell up.  HAHAHAHAHAHA in your face, gentlemen.

Truth be told, I’m not a diver at all.  I am more of a cannon-baller if I am forced to categorize myself.  That being said, I’m diving into something later and no, it’s not the 24 year old.  It’s the 54 year old and I’m bonkers excited about it.

Now, a good friend of mine says that it’s gross bc he has old balls.  (Enter a vision of Adam Sandler as Sonny Koufax in Big Daddy… “Loose skin and old balls, gross!”)  When I said they’re not old he laughed and said, “In six years they will be”.  HAHAHAHA -- not funny!

Any way, we are going out for Greek food this evening and I am going to get my hair did (yes, my hair did!) for the occasion because I’m excited like it’s the prom.  Shoot me.

Post Script:  I got my hair done and I’m even more adorable than I was before!  Wearing Frye boots but will swap them for awesome Christian Louboutins later on.

sexy me

35 is an arbitrary number but the general idea is that the perfect age for a boyfriend for me would be mid 30s.

That being said, I can’t find one that age!  They are all too old for me or younger than I’d like and it’s making me lose my frickin’ mind!  Last night I was out at my local having drinks and I met the most gorgeous man!  OMG, he was the right height, the right build, had the best accent, has a very cool job, is well traveled, speaks several languages… and he is 54 years old.  Too old.

Later on, my young beefcake hotty pants walks in the door looking as adorable as ever.  We get along great, he cracks me up, we talk daily, his body looks like he could give He-Man a run for his money, he’s soft-spoken… and he is 24.  Too young.

What’s a 30 year old hot ass Asian woman to do?

Both dating and job hunting are excruciatingly painful and I don’t really know that I want to engage in either activity very much longer which has started me thinking about my options.  The only feasible option I have without a job and a boyfriend is to begin corresponding with inmates in prison, hope one of those relationships takes off and commence my weekly visitation with him.  Assuming all goes well, he and I will marry and then I will commit to sleeping in my car (since clearly I can’t afford a swanky apartment with no job) on Saturdays and Sundays so I don’t have to waste my meager welfare funds on incidentals like gas and tolls.  See how nicely this is all working out?

Since I am an avid reader, I will not sell my most prized possession… My Barnes and Noble nook (look it up – it’s supposed to have a lower case “n”).  I figure I can charge that fine piece of technological magic while I work cleaning restrooms at Bob’s Big Boy and the like.  Surely those good people won’t mind if I plug in my nook since it will show them that I am really on the up and up.  Meanwhile, I will only download the classics which means I will be the most well read homeless toilet cleaner on this here planet!  (For you illiterates, Barnes and Noble allows you to download the classics for a dollar or less.)

Then, each Spring, as the world begins anew, that hot piece of convict ass and I will be allowed our annual conjugal visit, complete with plastic sheets, Progresso soup and some sexy Joe Boxer underpants I got at the consignment store.  Don’t worry – I will return them the next day since I can’t waste my wee funds on being sexy.  Maybe I can even sneak in a cheddar biscuit from Red Lobster (for real, I love those, mmm) or some thinly sliced bologna since we all know that jail bologna is sliced thick.

That’s what I call living!  Yee-haw.

PS:  I watch a lot of television so I didn’t research that stuff or anything.  It’s more a side effect of watching way too much The First 48, Crime 360, Lock Up, Lock Up Holman, Lock Up Raw, Prison Wives, Dateline, and Kidnap + Rescue (best new show on television).

PPS:  If you know of anyone who is hiring for Sales or Business Development in the Digital space… Please reach out but do not tell the person/company about this blog.

PPPS:  I don’t even have a car so the above situation is not even possible.

Ok, looks like a retarded monkey who knows how to spell has gotten an online dating profile and listed THAT as his ideal date.  I have no words.  I think that freak has said enough.

Than!

How does one OVER LOOK the moon?  Or OVERLOOK?  Neither is possible.

What a dildo.

Post Script:  He also describes himself as “gorgeous”.  Something tells me that’s a lie.

Post Post Script:  You lucky people.  This just keeps getting better.  Ok so in my search for an image of the quintessential dildo I found this site.  It’s scary.  I’m all about “do you” but if you need this stuff, maybe you should see a doctor because, my friend, you may have issues.

Anyhoo… http://www.sextoy.com/category.php?a=stcppc&cid=591

Straight up, ok.  I went out on a date last night and had a nice time.  Watched the Jets beat the Colts (yeah boy!) and had a couple beers.  Woke up today, checked my email and got the message below.  How much do you want to bet I am NOT emailing this wanker back?  BTW, he is 51!

Actually, I’m sort of inclined to respond to this fool and tell him that he’s barking up the wrong Asian tree for several reasons.  How is this…

Dear Old White Pervert,

I disrespectfully decline your offer of immediate procreation for several reasons.  First off, I’m not a “delicate flower” Asian – I’m a chick from NJ who doesn’t take shit.  Second, if you want to find an Asian mistress to answer whenever beckoned there are websites where you can buy one.  Third, I only date smart men.  Since it is clear that your IQ is in the double digits, you are entirely too stupid for me and I will intellectually rape you for sport both privately and in front of your friends.  Fourth, I may be single but I do not need a green card, am not at all desperate, have pride and, last but not least… I’m too good for you in every way imaginable.  I hope you understand.  Take care and best of luck finding the slave you so clearly desire, you stupid impotent prick.

Is that too mean?